I'm scared, I'm pissed, I'm fifty-two, and I'm fighting for my life.
It's an ugly story.
Waiting, and wondering why I'm sitting on my bed on Saturday morning, delaying the inevitable.
"I have cancer"
I blurt it out loud so I can hear myself say it...a slight pause...then a mournful wail and sob and heaving of breath and sound and emotion I have never heard emanate from deep inside of me.
Positively frightening. I'm now shaking, taking this in, realizing that maybe I've touched a dormant nerve that reached right back to that day when Brandy died.
Like most 53 year olds, I was living life to the full. Setting goals for my future, planning cruise trips and focusing on my health.
I was enjoying every moment, happily going from strength to strength. However my life took an unexpected turn. One from which I learned a valuable life lesson.
In May 2015 I discovered a lump. After being told by my doctor that it was likely Lymphoma....Little did I know that would change my life forever.
When I was told that I had cancer my entire world came crashing down.
How could this happen to me?
Why?
What had I done to deserve this?
Before, I felt like I had my whole life ahead of me. Now suddenly it felt like I had nothing. As I waited for the test results which would determine how bad the cancer was, I made a decision: if it had spread to other parts of my body, that was it. I would not have any treatment and instead spend the rest of my time with my partner, and if it progressed into a prognosis of less than 6 months, I would travel to Oregon for assisted death.
I’m not sure exactly when I will get better.
It’s frustrating when I see my times getting worse. Especially since I worked so hard to achieve so much before I fell ill.
I’m living in the moment. And even though my illness and this whole experience is outwith my control, I still feel totally in control of my life.
I’m still doing all the things I love to do.
This is the message I want to communicate.
To inspire others who are going through the same as me. Your illness does not define you. And it certainly isn’t “your future”. You are still in control of what you do now. So carry on doing the things you want to.
Stay positive and let’s win this fight...
If you’re lucky enough not to suffer from such a bad illness, this goes for you too. Of course it’s tough. You’ll have days when you don’t want to do it. When you don’t have the energy to get off the couch. That’s ok. But please do not forget how lucky you are to even just have the choice. I would give anything to be in your shoes, so don’t take your health for granted.
Don’t waste another second of your precious life.
The only thing which defines you is your actions. From this day on treat every day as an opportunity to make a memory. Value each minute, because once it’s passed, you will never get it back. Remember that even during your darkest moments you are one of the lucky ones. Lucky enough to possess the power over your life, future and fate.
Success, happiness and empowerment will never be given to you. It’s something you must take for yourself.
Phoenix-out.
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